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Дневник пользователя Yamato
Halloween Party Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they looked around, and found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost... What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled, "they misspelled my name!" Other Side A blonde goes out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are already on the other side." News Article Shawn was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face.
"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most
attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!" Marriage Counseling A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening." Chinese Apparently, one in five people in the world is Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be that one of us is Chinese.
It's either my mom or my dad, my older brother Colin, me or my youngest brother Chong-Li. I think it's Colin. Princess And Frog Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a beautiful meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the young man that I am. Then, my dear, we can marry and live in your castle with my mother, where you can bear my children and serve me for the rest of your life, and feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined on sautéed frog legs in a white wine sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't think so."
Dream
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it... to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams". It's Elementary Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"I see thousands of stars," Watson replied. "And what does that mean to you, Holmes?"
Holmes replied, "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent!" Deficiency? Little four-year-old Jenny was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep. After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Jenny looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, "Didn't he come with batteries?" Colored? When I born, I black. When I grow up, I black. When I go in sun, I black. When I cold, I black. When I scared, I black. When I sick, I black. And when I die, I still black. You white folks... When you born, you pink. When you grow up, you white. When you go in sun, you red. When you cold, you blue. When you scared, you yellow. When you sick, you green. And when you die, you gray. So who you callin' colored? Fly In The Coffee What happens if a fly falls in a cup of coffee?
Englishman: Throws his cup away and walks away.
American: Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee.
Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee away.
Japanese: Drinks the coffee with the insect since it is a free bonus.
Israeli: Sells the coffee to the American and the insect to the Chinese, and gets himself a new cup of coffee.
Palestinian: Accuses the Israeli of throwing the insect into his coffee, relates the issue to violence, asks the UN for aid. Takes a loan from EC to buy another cup of coffee and uses the money for terror. Short Story A college class was told that each student had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The short story had to contain the following three things: religion, sexuality, mystery. There was only one A+ paper in the entire class - for this story: "Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder, who did it?"
Water To Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


 
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offline Yamato (30)
Казахстан, Восточно-Казахстанская область, Усть-Каменгорск



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